


loneliness

by macaronikit



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, and a lack of dialogue, anywayz angst to the core, christmas can be a shitty time for some people, god i hope you like angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:48:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28759848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macaronikit/pseuds/macaronikit
Summary: Loneliness was a nasty feeling. The kind that digs and claws its way into you, never wanting to pry its grubby hands away and leave you alone for however long you wish.
Relationships: 13/Reader (Platonic)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5
Collections: Thirsting for Thirteen Server Secret Santa 2020





	loneliness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RanXiaoLong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RanXiaoLong/gifts).



> For Ran <3
> 
> i really hope you like it :)
> 
> happy holidays homie

Loneliness was a nasty feeling. The kind that digs and claws its way into you, never wanting to pry its grubby hands away and leave you alone for however long you wish. It's definitely not a spectacular time, and it's certainly not unnoticeable. The gang had gotten together for Christmas, and you were all over it — the food, socialising, giving and receiving presents. You loved it, absolutely loved it…

At first.

Of course, you'd been excited since The Doctor had announced it at the beginning of the month, hell, you even planned an outfit three weeks in advance! Maybe you’d gone a bit overboard with Christmas shopping, and trying out new recipes to bring to the party, but still! It’s fun! It was only as the dreaded day grew nearer that anxiety began to grip you, fear of meeting The Doctor’s friends that she’d collected on her travels. But they must be nice people if The Doctor likes them! That voice in your head reasoned, but you still managed to let the bad thoughts win. Then the bastard loneliness set in, and it sent a punch to your gut, the shocking realisation that outside of your friends, you are well and truly _alone._

It was also the fact that you weren’t religious that caused some hesitation; even though you wouldn’t be the only one celebrating that day. However, the whole Christmas theme had soon died out, once the other three had figured it out. Still, even if the festivities were gone, there was still the media ramming it into your face around every corner, even the online shops you browsed on lazily when you should be asleep seemed to be decorated with Christmas sales and JPEGS of shitty christmas decorations. There truly was no escaping it.

The gang had decided to prepare at their own houses when the day had finally rolled around. And naturally, being left to your own devices, you decided to do absolutely nothing. In the midst of your doing-nothingness, you'd forgotten to call the gang to let them know you weren't coming. Wallowing in your bed all day will do that to you, unfortunately.

Everything you'd had prepared (gifts and your outfit) was placed near your wardrobe, a thin layer of dust coating the tops. You managed to find the sparkly number in the darkness of your bedroom, the light of the outside world bouncing of the textured fabric. You grunted, burying your face in the soft pillow under your head. Sometimes, you fucking hated this planet. In fact, it's why you chose to travel with The Doctor in the first place.

Then, at the mention of her name, a familiar _wooshing_ noise echoed through the expanse of your flat. Jesus, speak of the devil, why don't I? You huffed, turning over in your bed to feign rest. Due to the annoyingly thin walls that separated the rooms of your flat, you could hear every footstep she made, the boots she'd thrifted clunking against the fake wood floors. They stopped momentarily, the distant whirring sound of the sonic echoing from outside your bedroom. You couldn’t help but smile, pressing your face into the pillow. _She thinks I’m in danger…_ You tensed up once she made quick footsteps to your bedroom, thinking back to when you locked your door in a hurry.

Was it because of a massive unidentifiable bug that’d taken hostage of your living room? …Yes. The last thing you’d want is to wake up next to an insect. That would be quite unfortunate. The sonic screwdriver whirred again, and the two bolts you slid shut the hours previous slowly slid open. The swear that left your lips was inevitable, hiding your face in the swathes of blankets. Shit. I don’t want her to see me like this! “Y/N? You in here?” The Doctor opened the door, the wooden behemoth letting out a distressed, high pitched creak as it slowly swung open. You didn’t dare move, the wall opposite you suddenly becoming the most interesting thing in the room. A quiet sigh came from the door, a weight sinking nearby your back. “You’re not that good at fake-sleeping, y’know?”

You let out a breath of a laugh, tears blurring your vision just a little more. “And you’re not that good at sneaking around,” You sigh, pressing yourself into the blankets. The Doctor smiled sadly, though you didn’t see it, you could almost tell it was there. “You weren’t answering your phone, so I came here, er- are you alright?” Ah. You weren’t sure what to say; which was rare. As it turned out, neither did The Doctor, as she slowly reached out to put a hand on your shoulder. The sudden cold touch made you flinch, sitting up to face her. You must’ve looked a state, what with your hair being left unbrushed since Sunday, however you simply didn’t care. “Oh, my God, you’re freezing!” “I was waiting for you outside,” The Doctor looked rather sheepish, tucking her hair behind her ear. You could tell it was getting awkward. “You know, where we were meant to meet up,”

You fell silent, whatever you were going to say falling silent on your lips. Stammers and broken sentences left your lips, and you flushed a deep red. "I- well, I was a bit preoccupied, though it doesn't look like it," You silently curse yourself, flopping back down onto your bed. Your cheeks felt like they were on fire, almost like the swathes of blankets around you could catch on fire as well. A housefire would probably be much better to deal with than the matter at hand, though. "Er- I'm sorry for not calling,"

"Nah, 's alright," The Doctor reassured you with a pat on your shoulder. "I get lost in my thoughts too, especially when there's a lot to think about. Hey, what's got you so down in the dumps, anyway? I thought you were excited?" You could definitely see her face now, a small frown gracing her lips. You bite your lip in thought, before deciding to answer.

"Christmas hasn't been," You swallowed, thinking of the right words to say. Sitting up, you sigh and carry on, taking silent note of The Doctor's facial expression. "It hasn't been the best time for me since I was a kid, since my dad left, and forced mum to juggle three jobs at once. Neither of us were religious, Mum had basically given up since Dad left, so we just never really bothered." _It also didn't help that she died on Christmas too, but you weren't going to tell The Doctor that._

"Is there something else?" The Doctor pressed on, shifting closer to you. "I just feel there's something you're not telling me," She suddenly raised an eyebrow. "Speaking of, how come I've never met your Mum? By the way you describe her, she'd be ecstatic to meet new people," When The Doctor was met with silence, she let out a whisper of an "oh". "Oh, she's-"

"Yeah." You mutter, sighing deeply. "I try to make Christmas a good time, I really do, it's just not really the greatest time. And I always seem to repress it until the last minute, which makes things even _more_ worse, and then I have to deal with calls from relatives I don't like, and it's all 'How are you?' and... and 'How are you holding up?' when they know I'm going to say the same thing over and over again but they just don't listen! And-"

You only realised you were crying when The Doctor pulled you up into a bear hug. It was a few moments later that you gingerly wrapped your arms around her waist. A low, shaky sigh left your lips, salty tears soaking The Doctor's shoulder. She didn't mind though.

She never would.

\-------------------

Long after your little mishap, the pair of you exited the apartment fresh faced, the situation long forgotten as you made your way to the TARDIS. You weren't too sure of what happened, it was mostly a blur after what'd happened. Yet, as it happened, you still remember The Doctor brushing the knots out of your hair in an attempt to fix it. It worked- mostly, but you wouldn't have to worry about that until after the party. The only thing you couldn't quite fix, was the shakiness of your hands. And it didn't go unnoticed. Once Yaz had spotted the two of you she came over, a grin on her face. "You finally ready?" She looked up and down. "Are you alright?"

You were quick to reassure her. "Oh, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

And then they never did.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for removing your fam there bro-


End file.
